For most of this year I pottered away…
Decluttering my home, my head and my heart. Moving forwards but staying stuck, rooted - not being able to move on but not really knowing why. Peeling off layer after layer until the tears fell and I was left in mid air, knowing that I could fall or I could fly, the choice was mine.
You see, I wanted to tell my story and my version of minimalism, even before I knew how far it would take me. When I packed up that first box two and a half years ago, I had a huge desire to share what I was doing - as if I somehow realised what an incredible journey this was going to be before I had even started. I didn’t by the way, I had no idea but I still wanted to tell my tale because a part of me knew that simplifying was going to change my life and all that I thought I knew.
I had so many realisations, so many questions and so many answers that I wondered who else, was having these realisations too. I wanted to connect with people living parallel lives to mine, with those just starting out and those much further along. But I knew no-one on this road to minimalism, they weren’t in my circle of friends or in my town, they were dotted between counties and cities, oceans and air and I knew that the only way to reach them, was to share myself online.
But my feet stayed stuck, my hands stayed still and the voice in my head, mocked me some more. I wasn’t interesting enough, worthy enough, or pretty enough to share my thoughts and besides, the voice shouted, who would listen anyway.
Yet I continued to ache for something that I had never had and as I fell further down the minimalist rabbit hole, I knew that there must be others, stuck like me. Stuck in overwhelm and stuck in fear, all of us stuck, rooted and not acting on our dreams. It made me sad and it made me mad until one day, I decided to stop listening to the voice of fear and instead tend to the ache in my heart. I was ready to move on, to put one foot in front of the other, to write one word and then another and to share what I knew, for anyone that wanted to listen..
Pushing that publish button on my blog with trembling hands was hard. I had to dedicate my therapy sessions to gaining the courage to press it, to share myself with the world when I didn’t feel worthy of my place in it, let alone worthy of others time. But when I did something quite wonderful happened. People started reading, commenting and sharing and I found my people. At long last I had found my space and I knew without doubt, that this was what I wanted to do.
My dream has exceeded expectations and sent me on a wild ride that just keeps going round, yet I don’t feel dizzy. I just feel hungry for more; more words, more connections, more learning and more understanding, I just wish, more than anything that I had done it sooner, that I hadn’t been so afraid of what I had to say and pressed that button when I first wanted to.
Because here’s the thing. When we are speaking our truth, it doesn’t matter if lots of people are listening. What matters is that we have spoken, that we have shared what we know, in the hope that those words will reach someone that needs them. And let us realise, that we are worthy of telling our stories if that is what we wish to do, that our words can indeed take up space, alongside those that inspire and those we admire.
So as I wrap up the year with colourful bows I wanted to tell you this - that you can do it too. Whatever it is that you really want to do, you can do because if I can, anyone can. Quieten that voice and listen to your heart, you wont regret it I’m sure.
And now onto my word for the year, I didn’t pick one for 2018 and I felt it badly. I flitted from one thing to the next, not really knowing where I was going or where I wanted to be. I know where I want to go in 2019 and so, instead of resolutions that I will likely lose interest in, I have chosen a word. A word to keep me on the right path, a word that could change the course of my year and a word to whisper when my inner critic gets loud. I thought for a while and then I thought some more and one morning the word came to me.
I didn’t realise it then but it was a word that had been with me all along.
My word for the year is Worth. Worth for myself and worth towards others. To work more on knowing that I am worthy and worth it. To decide if something is worth my time and if it is worthwhile. To add worth to others, to ask if it is worthwhile to others and worthy of their time. To give rather than to take. To offer others a way of seeing their worth through simplifying and peeling away those layers. To share more of my story and the lessons I’ve learnt. To keep putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one word at a time and another and more.
Have you found a word for the year? If so I’d love to know.